Me: I donated blood today and there was an 80 year old lady volunteering at the snack station there and she was so cute. I talked to her about gardening for 15 minutes.

Bob: Oye. I married an old lady! ( * it doesn’t help that I have the oldies doo-wop station progammed as one of the stations on my car radio * )

Me: Be grateful that I respect the elderly.

…10 minutes later I was back to “young” Jen…

Me: I really dig this band called The Lumineers and they are from Denver! Have you heard them on KBCO?

Bob: * blank stare. Picks up his glass of milk and pours it all over his lap on purpose then cracks up laughing *

Me: What was that for?! Do you have any idea how bad that milk is going to smell in the carpet in a few days? Why did you do that?

Bob: I don’t know but it was funny!

Me: You’re cleaning the carpets. I’m pretty sure a paper towel will not hide the milk smell in a few days.

Then he was all embarrassed as I took photos because he looked like he peed his pants. Were my dinner conversations so boring that Bob had to diffuse them by purposely spilling milk on himself?

For the record, here are The Lumineers.

I have two bones to pick with you.

Bone #1. White capris. I desperately want to pair white capris with a navy top because I totally dig the nautical look. I do not want white denim capris. Surely there is a lighter cottony fabric that is not see-through. Please find said fabric and/ or double up on the existing fabric you use as I do not want to fear a rainstorm while wearing white pants.

Bone #2. Buttons on pants. I’ve never been a skinny gal so I appreciate any sort of optical illusions to help minimize my waistline in the chunk-o department. Why oh why do all pants create puffs where the buttons, zippers and belt loops are? Even a top with rouching can hardly disguise it. Please make flat-front pants. And while we’re on this topic, you can just discontinue pleated pants for everybody. You ain’t doing anybody any favours.

(Disclaimer: Refrain from any baby bump comments as I am not with child. I am with Strawberry Shortcake and ice cream.)

Please heed my suggestions because I am very fashion-forward. See proof in the photo below, when I was wearing a romper when I was 13. I called the trend 15 years ago. Booyah!

Sincerely,

GIVE ME WHITE CAPRIS WITHOUT BELT LOOPS.

The mini golf champ

The lizard licker

The goofball

I love you!

Last night Bob and I took the dogs for a walk so I slipped into my Crocs at the front door. I know, I know.

Wellesley isn’t a normal dog when it comes to relieving himself. He doesn’t sniff out the fire hydrants or shrubs to pee on. That is such a waste of time. Instead, he prefers to pee while walking on the sidewalk. Like, “No big deal. Just peeing AND walking because I’m THAT coordinated. Plus, I don’t want my pee to burn your grass out, so I’ll do you the favor of peeing on your sidewalk instead”.

Tonight his…ummm.. multitasking talent landed directly onto my crocs with the holes in them. Warm, wet, dog pee. In my shoes. Directly on my foot.

I was grossed out but then Bob and I laughed hysterically all the way back home. I tried to give Bob a few roundhouse kicks from behind with my pee-stink foot. Later, while still walking back home, I spotted my favorite flowers.

Me: See those flowers? They smell so good and they are called Peonies!

Bob: Are you sure they aren’t called pee-on-me’s?

Ba-da-bum. He’ll be here all night folks.

Happy Mother’s Day to all my new mommy friends out there! And to the bestest mum I could ask for. Enjoy this video of mom having a fit of laughter because she got the definition of “milano” wrong and realized her mistake. She laughed until she cried. I love you mum!

mums giggle fit from Bob Spryn on Vimeo.

Step 1. Coax Coda into the garage. He’ll know something is up and he’ll reluctantly obey, with his stubby tail between his legs.

Step 2. With 2 people, corral him between your legs and start cutting away the massive chunks of fur with scissors. If you’re Bob, you’ll keep inhaling the fur and spitting it out.

Step 3. Give him a bath in the front yard. He’ll hate this and start plotting how to murder you in your sleep.

Step 4. Admire your handy work so far.

Step 5. Try to use electric clippers and botch chunks of fur.

Step 6. Go to PetCo and have them finish the hair cut. Learn that Coda has very thick fur and has dulled 3 blades on the groomer’s clippers.

I can’t believe how small he looks without tons of fur!

The hair cut really brings out his face. As in, he has a really fat face compared to the rest of his body. He also looks several years younger. Why can’t I get a haircut that cuts my age in half?

“Are those your dogs?”

our jaws drop

It has been so dry here, the pond had mostly dried up into a big puddle of mud. Of course our boys were the ones that laid down in it!

They were very happy with the amount of damage they did in a matter of moments.

Wellesley looks like a chocolate-dipped dog. Or one of the animals in the oil spill episode of Saved By The Bell that Jessie Spano tried to help. Half golden retriever, half chocolate lab.

The boys got a good hillbilly bath in the yard after we walked home. Used an entire bottle of dog shampoo.

Hope you have a relaxing, lazy weekend!

After we closed the piano bar down at 1am on a Tuesday, we went next door to a college bar. I don’t know what was going on, but things got weird. One fella was dressed as a Fred Flintstone pimp, another as Despicable Me, another as a woman (possibly Britney Spears), and an 80′s jogger in a wind breaker. Rush night for a frat party in April? Who knows.

Besides those people, there was a girl standing by herself practicing golf swings and putts with an imaginary golf club. I was intrigued and slightly embarassed for her, so I walked up to her to see if she could help me with my swing. Do you know what she said to me? “Get out of my way. I’m going to hit you with my swing!”.

I am waaaaay too old for college bars and those shennanigans. By 2am we headed back to our hotel where I had an incredible view.

The conference organizers arranged to rent out Austin City Limits studio and I was excited to see the venue.

A local band played all sorts of standard rock favourites, like Lynard Skynrd, Bon Jovi, & Journey.

Darla and I wandered around the city for a couple of hours one afternoon. I really loved this city and want to go back with Bob sometime.

We walked along 6th Street, the main music drag and city hot spot. The buildings were charming.

I missed my chance to meet Willie Nelson by a few hours. On 4/20 at 4:20 pm, a statue was dedicated to Willie outside of Austin City Limits studio. Willie was there, accompanied by his white beard and cowboy hat.

After 3 days of conferences and mingling with some clients, I had reached my Austin City Limit of margaritas and I was happy to be back on the road again to see the hubster.

Auntie and Uncle were excellent tour guides, pointing out worthwhile things to see and providing me with facts. For example, Lake Travis is a man-made lake and it is made out of limestone. That is why the banks are so lovely. Lovely banks? Yes, the rock is lovely.

Some day when I have a pillion dollars, I’ll buy a home in each state. My Texas home will likely be the one with the turret below.

Back to The Oasis. The restaurant was huge and had patios and decks all around the cliffside.

We got to see a beautiful sunset, and when the sun has mostly sunk into the water and only a sliver remains, the restaurant staff ring a bell to notify the patrons to watch the last bit of sunlight disappear.

After I signed up for the race and got new running shoes, I quit going to the gym at the rec center that I usually went to. I didn’t train for this race. At all. Instead, I found a Groupon for a 10 week kickboxing class so I started going to that at least 5 nights a week. I haven’t run over 1/4 mile in MONTHS. My new plan was to throw jabs and hooks at anybody that got in my way on the running course.

Team Turtle grew by one this year! Megan joined Darla and I as we embarked on our long, slow journey.

All 160 racers were lined up at the start line, seconds away from the start gun firing, when a fire truck with flashing lights drove through our course and forced us to delay the start for a minute. I wasn’t pleased because I just wanted the race to start so I could be done as soon as possible.

Team Turtle was off to the races!

While Team Turtle moseyed through 3.1 miles of the course, Bob and my mom met some new friends and Bob got a little extra friendly with a complete stranger.

The kickboxing must have helped my endurance anyways because I finished in less time than last year, when I actually trained quite hard for the race. My official 2012 time was 44:33 according to the race web site, a whopping 44 seconds quicker than last year. If I keep this up, in the year 2027 I can upgrade the team name to “Team Sloth”!

I was very excited to finish at a faster pace so I gave Bob a big hug. But it was hot out and I was sweaty and stinky so he didn’t enjoy my hug.

I wouldn’t run 3.1 miles without a reward, so mom took us out to Glacier ice cream where I enjoyed some…what else… turtle ice cream!

The Easter Bunny still hides baskets in my house and mom’s was hidden inside a case of beer at the bottom of the pantry so she had to work hard to find it. Actually, she didn’t want to work too hard. I believe she said “just tell me if it is in here because I don’t want to get on the floor to look for it if it isn’t even there”.

My sister can never find her easter basket and despite being almost 30 years old, she has an annual tradition of crying out of frustration. Then our family points and laughs at her and takes photos and she cries more. She was back in NY this past easter, so Bob gave me his best Amanda impression when he couldn’t find his basket. ( He eventually found his basket hidden in the bag of dog food.)

My brother-in-law, Luke, was responsible for letting us know if Amanda cried again this year. I was pleased to get a text from him on Easter morning: “Crying from searching: mission accomplished”. And so the tradition continues!

Bob and I wore our easter bonnets. Exhibit #1 for why I’ve never been called “cool”.

I also made Paco join the fun. Exhibit #2 for why I’ve never been called “cool”.

Paco, tell me how you really feel about the bonnet.